anya sometimes gets stuck looking for support - or answers. especially when she's having weird dreams about backstage situations and nerves of excitement before being in front of a stage and all these things and it leaves her more than a little bit confused
yato seems to always have an answer for everything so]
I need an honest answer I'm a little bit concerned? and a little bit scared but do you think I could be a performer? like singing or dancing or anything like that or does it seem silly?
[ The normally unflappable Anya, scared? Yato is a bit alarmed now himself. Even if it's over something like... performing? That strange vivid daydream from weeks ago flashes back to the forefront of his memory, somehow still going strong. The despair of being rejected by the crowd, the depression of realizing it wouldn't work out...
But no one could possibly reject Anya. ]
It isn't silly! I know you would do well at anything you set your sights on. I promise. (´▽`) I know I'd want to be at the front row of every Anya performance! What brought this on?
[promise...? Anya hums softly as she reads those words over and over and over again - if Yato promises that he believes in her, then maybe it isn't impossible.
even though she knows that this is something she needs to decide for herself too, she's always been an easily swayed type of person.]
I had a dream! it was backstage somewhere. there was me and another lovely girl who wore a dress like mine. so I think we were probably meant to perform together but she looked worried so I took her hand... (hehe that was kind of funny. I spoke in russian and japanese for some reason? dreams are weird) it's just that what I remember the most was the excitement and the way my heart was pounding I've never had that feeling before
[a brief lull before she finds herself embarrassed enough that she adds on - ]
but that's silly, isn't it? to chase after a feeling you only had in a dream
[ A dream... One of those strange ones Dave posted about, maybe. Where the people are similar but the details are askew, like they're coming from an alternate history. The more people talk about their dreams, the more Yato has to wonder. Even Anya is getting caught up in those phantom sensations.
But you know what? If that dream made her happy, then Yato is all for it. ]
You enjoyed that feeling, didn't you? Then I don't see anything wrong with wanting to feel it again. You feel uncertain about performing because it seems foreign. Something that only other people do, right? You have to change your thinking. It doesn't have to be a gigantic leap into a different identity. Take baby steps and see if it's something you enjoy doing on a small scale. It isn't a decision you have to make all at once.
[considering the fact that she's polling from a couple different places - she knows that some people tend to be more protective of her than others, even though it comes from a really good place. it's something that she absolutely adores about yato and appreciates because she doesn't know what she'd do without him
that's especially evident to her now
but even if this is different from yuri demanding her blood, sweat, and tears - there's a common strand. they really both believe in her, don't they?]
does yato think it's possible? I don't know how much you've been doing performances for your jobs before.... but even though I've been dancing and singing for years, I've still never tried to audition even though I don't want to go in thinking that I might fail.... what if I do?
[ Does he know what it's like to audition? Does that daydream count? If her experience matters, then maybe his does too. He remembers -- feeling the collapse of countless hours of practice at the feet of a stage. Wanting something so badly that he would reforge an identity for it. Knowing that he had the skill to make it, but watching every opportunity evade him.
[ ... something else. The eyes of people on him, their undivided attention. The joy and energy of a performance under bright lights, giving it his all. It was fun, wasn't it? He did it because he loved it doing it, didn't he?
It's a minute or two before he types out a response, but eventually it comes: ]
[ ANYA... He just wanted to talk. Though those things sound tempting too... ]
You stay put. If I catch you out of bed, I'll have to retaliate!! (`口´)
[ "But doesn't she have to get out of bed to let him in?" one might reasonably ask. No. Unfortunately not, because not too much later, the window to Anya's room will squeak open. Yato noses his way past any blinds or drapes and squints in.
But Anya's a good, obedient girl so she does as Yato says. There's some nervousness on her end when her window squeaks open - who the fuck would sneak into a 15 year old girl's bedroom in the middle of the night (Yato. Yato would.) - but she visibly relaxes when she hears his voice.
sitting up in bed and putting her phone aside so she can turn on a lamp and greet him excitedly]
He slips his legs through the window so he can sit on her windowsill. He needed the walk to help organize his thoughts, so that whatever advice he could give her would be the best it could be. It's still confusing to him, whatever these daydreams mean, but happy or sad, they must mean something.
He can't smile and assure her that everything will happen exactly the way she wants it to, even if that's what she deserves. That wasn't the reality presented to him in his daydreams, nor is it the reality for him in life. ]
Anya, you're going to fail. Even if you succeed at first... even if you do everything perfectly every time, someone will eventually be there to say you're not right for them.
[ He leans forward, gripping the windowsill. ]
But no matter what happens, you can't let what other people think determine who you are. Do a hundred auditions! Fail every one! If you love performing, then it doesn't matter. Failing will never be as bad as never trying.
Opening with "you're going to fail" startles here - confirms her fears and worst concerns about this whole endeavor. If she fails, won't she disappoint the people who were supporting her? Wouldn't that be bad for them? It would be silly then, to selfishly want something for herself when she's happy where she is.
But then he says that - never trying would be worse. If she stays where she is, that would be... worse?
There's a moment where she's very clearly confused and torn, her brow furrowing as she tries to parse through this advice, before she moves to leave her bed. She walks over to where Yato's seated on her windowsill and offers her hands out to him to hold.]
... Will you still like me, even if I fail?
[Because even Anya knows that there are very few people who support her as loudly and earnestly as Yato.]
[ The question shocks him. All at once, he crushes her hands into his grip. ]
Of course!
[ He's talking too loudly, fierce as though he could chase the notion out of her with his voice alone. ]
If you failed a thousand times, I'd still love and support you. Because you've already done the same for me! You saved me, Anya! Don't ever think I'd turn my back on you!
[ He's holding her hands too tightly and his gaze is too intense, but it's important to him that she understands. It upsets him that she could ever think he might be disappointed in her. ]
[It startles here for half a second - and then shocks her for longer.
She doesn't think that she's managed to save anyone, much less someone as important to her as Yato. But she manages a small smile at that, relaxing even as she turns her hands over so that she can hold onto his too, squeezing them back.]
Then... that's all I needed to hear.
[Just believe in her more than she believes in herself.]
I know it's asking a lot... if I always want your love and support. But ah, I don't know if I can do this on my own... Even if you say that failing is okay, I'm nervous. Maybe it's why I haven't tried anything new like this before.... I'm a little scared.
But as long as you won't leave me alone, even if I'm not successful... even if I try and find out that I'm not good enough, then - I'll still give it a shot.
[Even if everything isn't going to be okay, even if it's not all sunshine and rainbows, even if it takes blood, sweat, and tears - she'll manage as long as she has people like Yato supporting her.]
When it comes to trying and trying and trying and never giving up... if I can be anything like Yato, then that's all I would need.
[ Slowly, the tension leaves him and his grip on her hands loosens. If what he says can help settle her mind at all, then he's happy -- and yet he frowns. If she can be anything like him? He's a model of failure. She's better off looking up to... Einstein? Spielberg? ]
I know it's scary. You're like a baby bird thinking about flying. You'll find all the scariness worth it when you're free and soaring. [ ... Though more hatchlings die than not? So he quickly adds-- ] -- Until then, I'll be here to catch you. So will your mom -- and all the rest of your friends.
[ Normally, Yato likes to think he has a premium on support for Anya. But for something like this, she needs more than just him. If it's for Anya's sake, he can share her just a little... right?
He lets go of one hand to rest his hand on her head. ]
And then she'll take that as an invitation that it's okay to lean forward and wrap both of her arms around him in a hug, even as she lets her face fall into his shoulder for a moment. There's no denying that she's still scared, still nervous, because she's a little afraid of the things that she hasn't done before.
But.
She lifts her head and hums softly before giving a minute little nod even as she hugs him.]
... Okay.
Thank you. If I know that you're there to catch me, even falling won't be so bad.
[ The hug surprises him too. Anya's always been direct, and Yato isn't a stranger to physical contact. But when people reach out to touch him, they usually mean to harm, to ward off, to take -- or touch someone else through him, he the unspoken proxy.
Anya's hug is gentle and uncertain, and probably the best hug he's ever received. He doesn't react until she's said her piece, which is when he slips off the windowsill and bends to envelop her in a hug of his own that squishes and curls around her, his eyes squeezed shut.
Maybe she doesn't understand what he means when he says that she saved him. If she asked him, he wouldn't be able to quantify the articles of his meaning. But he knows it's true, absolutely, and that he'll never be able to return the favor in full. If he can protect her even a little -- if he can make her smile every once in a while -- if he can lift her toward a happiness that gives her fulfillment, then he'll do it every time. ]
You'll find a way, Anya. I promise you.
[ And if she finds that she can't, then he'll carve a path out ahead of her. ]
[At that reassurance, Anya lets her eyes shut as she lets herself be reassured. It's not often that she asks for this sort of reaffirmation, but it's also not often that she tries things out of her comfort zone either. So if it's like this... maybe it's okay to be a little bit selfish and accept his kind words?
Her fingers curl into the fabric of his jacket, clinging just a little bit like she needs an extra moment to really believe everything that he's told her.
Though she finds herself giggling softly even as she peeks back up at him and offers a smile.]
You know... This is my house, but it feels a lot more like a home when you're here?
[A little sheepishly - she knows that she avoids her house when there's no one in it to begin with, but especially now it feels different.]
No matter what, I feel safe when you're around. Like maybe I really can do anything... I'm really so lucky.
[ What a thing to say. Overly direct Anya strikes again... He stares at her for a moment before straightening and running a hand through his hair. As much as Yato vows to annihilate every half-assed boy to go after Anya, he gets the feeling he doesn't even need to do anything to watch them get utterly destroyed... ]
I think I get it. I don't have a house, but wherever you greet me, it feels like I'm returning home...
[ He whips around and collapses to his knees, clutching his head. ]
What am I saying?! That was so cheesy! Fuck!!
[ Is this what Mikoto feels like all the time?? The thought of being like that loser crumples Yato forward until his head thumps into the wall, where he gently simmers in his shame. ]
Even as she's really happy, feeling the pleased and warm feeling bloom in her chest from his words, she's startled at his own immediate reaction and now she's back to giggling. Still just as terribly endeared.
She'll move so that she can also be on her knees next to him, leaning over just enough to press her lips to his temple in an attempt to console him.
And offering a little change of subject:]
Maybe you are hungry.
Midnight snack time? And you can use the spare bedroom to sleep tonight? I will let Mama know.
[ A...nya...?? The soft pressure to his temple makes him turn to look at her, his face bright red. It was a sweet, friendly kiss but he can't?? handle?? this warmth... He quickly covers his face and bends forward until his head is to the floor. If he can't see her, she can't see him... ]
Okay... [ Muffled... ] And if you need me to come over sometimes, we can have slumber parties.
... Don't think I've forgotten, by the way. That you got out of bed after all.
text | 2/18 or /19 it's like 2 am
anya sometimes gets stuck looking for support - or answers. especially when she's having weird dreams about backstage situations and nerves of excitement before being in front of a stage and all these things and it leaves her more than a little bit confused
yato seems to always have an answer for everything so]
I need an honest answer
I'm a little bit concerned?
and a little bit scared
but do you think I could be a performer?
like singing or dancing or anything like that
or does it seem silly?
no subject
But no one could possibly reject Anya. ]
It isn't silly! I know you would do well at anything you set your sights on. I promise. (´▽`)
I know I'd want to be at the front row of every Anya performance!
What brought this on?
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even though she knows that this is something she needs to decide for herself too, she's always been an easily swayed type of person.]
I had a dream!
it was backstage somewhere. there was me and another lovely girl who wore a dress like mine.
so I think we were probably meant to perform together
but she looked worried so I took her hand...
(hehe that was kind of funny. I spoke in russian and japanese for some reason? dreams are weird)
it's just that what I remember the most was the excitement and the way my heart was pounding
I've never had that feeling before
[a brief lull before she finds herself embarrassed enough that she adds on - ]
but that's silly, isn't it? to chase after a feeling you only had in a dream
no subject
But you know what? If that dream made her happy, then Yato is all for it. ]
You enjoyed that feeling, didn't you? Then I don't see anything wrong with wanting to feel it again.
You feel uncertain about performing because it seems foreign. Something that only other people do, right?
You have to change your thinking. It doesn't have to be a gigantic leap into a different identity.
Take baby steps and see if it's something you enjoy doing on a small scale.
It isn't a decision you have to make all at once.
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[considering the fact that she's polling from a couple different places - she knows that some people tend to be more protective of her than others, even though it comes from a really good place. it's something that she absolutely adores about yato and appreciates because she doesn't know what she'd do without him
that's especially evident to her now
but even if this is different from yuri demanding her blood, sweat, and tears - there's a common strand. they really both believe in her, don't they?]
does yato think it's possible?
I don't know how much you've been doing performances for your jobs before....
but even though I've been dancing and singing for years, I've still never tried to audition
even though I don't want to go in thinking that I might fail....
what if I do?
1/2
He remembers... ]
2/2
It's a minute or two before he types out a response, but eventually it comes: ]
Is it okay if I come over?
no subject
of course! do you want me to make a late night snack? or I'll get the spare blankets and let mama know if you want to stay over in the guest room
[since her mama's out working the night shift again, Anya certainly won't mind some company to make the house less empty]
text -> action
You stay put. If I catch you out of bed, I'll have to retaliate!! (`口´)
[ "But doesn't she have to get out of bed to let him in?" one might reasonably ask. No. Unfortunately not, because not too much later, the window to Anya's room will squeak open. Yato noses his way past any blinds or drapes and squints in.
In a loud whisper: ] Anya!
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But Anya's a good, obedient girl so she does as Yato says. There's some nervousness on her end when her window squeaks open - who the fuck would sneak into a 15 year old girl's bedroom in the middle of the night (Yato. Yato would.) - but she visibly relaxes when she hears his voice.
sitting up in bed and putting her phone aside so she can turn on a lamp and greet him excitedly]
Yato!
[why is she so okay with this]
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He slips his legs through the window so he can sit on her windowsill. He needed the walk to help organize his thoughts, so that whatever advice he could give her would be the best it could be. It's still confusing to him, whatever these daydreams mean, but happy or sad, they must mean something.
He can't smile and assure her that everything will happen exactly the way she wants it to, even if that's what she deserves. That wasn't the reality presented to him in his daydreams, nor is it the reality for him in life. ]
Anya, you're going to fail. Even if you succeed at first... even if you do everything perfectly every time, someone will eventually be there to say you're not right for them.
[ He leans forward, gripping the windowsill. ]
But no matter what happens, you can't let what other people think determine who you are. Do a hundred auditions! Fail every one! If you love performing, then it doesn't matter. Failing will never be as bad as never trying.
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Opening with "you're going to fail" startles here - confirms her fears and worst concerns about this whole endeavor. If she fails, won't she disappoint the people who were supporting her? Wouldn't that be bad for them? It would be silly then, to selfishly want something for herself when she's happy where she is.
But then he says that - never trying would be worse. If she stays where she is, that would be... worse?
There's a moment where she's very clearly confused and torn, her brow furrowing as she tries to parse through this advice, before she moves to leave her bed. She walks over to where Yato's seated on her windowsill and offers her hands out to him to hold.]
... Will you still like me, even if I fail?
[Because even Anya knows that there are very few people who support her as loudly and earnestly as Yato.]
no subject
Of course!
[ He's talking too loudly, fierce as though he could chase the notion out of her with his voice alone. ]
If you failed a thousand times, I'd still love and support you. Because you've already done the same for me! You saved me, Anya! Don't ever think I'd turn my back on you!
[ He's holding her hands too tightly and his gaze is too intense, but it's important to him that she understands. It upsets him that she could ever think he might be disappointed in her. ]
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She doesn't think that she's managed to save anyone, much less someone as important to her as Yato. But she manages a small smile at that, relaxing even as she turns her hands over so that she can hold onto his too, squeezing them back.]
Then... that's all I needed to hear.
[Just believe in her more than she believes in herself.]
I know it's asking a lot... if I always want your love and support. But ah, I don't know if I can do this on my own... Even if you say that failing is okay, I'm nervous. Maybe it's why I haven't tried anything new like this before.... I'm a little scared.
But as long as you won't leave me alone, even if I'm not successful... even if I try and find out that I'm not good enough, then - I'll still give it a shot.
[Even if everything isn't going to be okay, even if it's not all sunshine and rainbows, even if it takes blood, sweat, and tears - she'll manage as long as she has people like Yato supporting her.]
When it comes to trying and trying and trying and never giving up... if I can be anything like Yato, then that's all I would need.
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I know it's scary. You're like a baby bird thinking about flying. You'll find all the scariness worth it when you're free and soaring. [ ... Though more hatchlings die than not? So he quickly adds-- ] -- Until then, I'll be here to catch you. So will your mom -- and all the rest of your friends.
[ Normally, Yato likes to think he has a premium on support for Anya. But for something like this, she needs more than just him. If it's for Anya's sake, he can share her just a little... right?
He lets go of one hand to rest his hand on her head. ]
... Okay?
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And then she'll take that as an invitation that it's okay to lean forward and wrap both of her arms around him in a hug, even as she lets her face fall into his shoulder for a moment. There's no denying that she's still scared, still nervous, because she's a little afraid of the things that she hasn't done before.
But.
She lifts her head and hums softly before giving a minute little nod even as she hugs him.]
... Okay.
Thank you. If I know that you're there to catch me, even falling won't be so bad.
no subject
Anya's hug is gentle and uncertain, and probably the best hug he's ever received. He doesn't react until she's said her piece, which is when he slips off the windowsill and bends to envelop her in a hug of his own that squishes and curls around her, his eyes squeezed shut.
Maybe she doesn't understand what he means when he says that she saved him. If she asked him, he wouldn't be able to quantify the articles of his meaning. But he knows it's true, absolutely, and that he'll never be able to return the favor in full. If he can protect her even a little -- if he can make her smile every once in a while -- if he can lift her toward a happiness that gives her fulfillment, then he'll do it every time. ]
You'll find a way, Anya. I promise you.
[ And if she finds that she can't, then he'll carve a path out ahead of her. ]
no subject
Her fingers curl into the fabric of his jacket, clinging just a little bit like she needs an extra moment to really believe everything that he's told her.
Though she finds herself giggling softly even as she peeks back up at him and offers a smile.]
You know... This is my house, but it feels a lot more like a home when you're here?
[A little sheepishly - she knows that she avoids her house when there's no one in it to begin with, but especially now it feels different.]
No matter what, I feel safe when you're around. Like maybe I really can do anything... I'm really so lucky.
1/2
I think I get it. I don't have a house, but wherever you greet me, it feels like I'm returning home...
2/2
[ He whips around and collapses to his knees, clutching his head. ]
What am I saying?! That was so cheesy! Fuck!!
[ Is this what Mikoto feels like all the time?? The thought of being like that loser crumples Yato forward until his head thumps into the wall, where he gently simmers in his shame. ]
no subject
Even as she's really happy, feeling the pleased and warm feeling bloom in her chest from his words, she's startled at his own immediate reaction and now she's back to giggling. Still just as terribly endeared.
She'll move so that she can also be on her knees next to him, leaning over just enough to press her lips to his temple in an attempt to console him.
And offering a little change of subject:]
Maybe you are hungry.
Midnight snack time? And you can use the spare bedroom to sleep tonight? I will let Mama know.
no subject
Okay... [ Muffled... ] And if you need me to come over sometimes, we can have slumber parties.
... Don't think I've forgotten, by the way. That you got out of bed after all.
[ R e t a l i a t i o n . ]
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still though she's giggling, gently amused. he's?? so silly???]
If Yato wants to have a slumber party, I think that sounds like a lot of fun.
But ah - are you mad? I wanted to hold your hands...
[she's not even sorry, she's not even pretending to be sorry]
no subject
I could never be mad at you, Anya. But rules are rules!
[ He's already over his embarassment... Actually he's really excited now for some reason. ]
I've already got the perfect punishment in mind. But for now, snacks!
no subject
[But she?? Trusts Yato? So that's pretty much as far as that goes. Otherwise she's going to laugh faintly and straighten up, offering him a hand.]
Let's go. A sandwich, maybe? Or we might have leftovers from dinner...
(no subject)