[ Yato gives her that hug because that's just how it is... But Anya worried is Yato worried?? He peers through Enchanted Blossoms's windowfront, looking for Mikoto through the glass. ]
... Lemme take a whack at 'im.
[ He gently unattaches Anya so he can head into the shop. From outside, the events appear like so... Yato makes a beeline for a square of wrapping paper, slaps it on the store counter, and begins to vigorously doodle on it with a marker. Mikoto and the paying customer on either side of him stare in the meantime, the former with a stare so flat that it threatens to pronounce Yato dead.
Eventually, Yato finishes his drawing and holds it up with a flourish. It's a stupidly detailed portrait of a horse, which he shoves in Mikoto's face with an unheard exclamation. Mikoto shakes his head, gives him a strange look, and in the end chases Yato off so that the customer can finish paying.
When Yato returns to Anya, it's with a puzzled frown. ]
Mmmmmm...? He seems like the same old Mikoto, except when it comes to horses.
[ And he'll take Anya's word about the app thing... He doesn't like it, but there's a simple if fantastical answer for this, isn't there? ]
We already knew people became aware of horses once they got signed up with Retrospec. I guess this means the reverse is true. Once Retrospec drops you, you forget about the weird stuff that's been happening.
[There goes Yato's vicious doodling. Anya doesn't even bother to hide the way that she watches from outside, carefully holding the bouquet even as she frowns and her brow furrows as Mikoto seems to have no recollection of horses whatsoever.
Then she looks up at Yato when he comes back, her concern clear.]
I think so too... It happened before - one of the dance teachers does not remember anymore.
But I am worried... Bоспоминания... Playing with Mikoto's memories... but that is how he met Anya.
[She frowns, trying not to look as lonely as she feels.]
Does that mean he does not remember the right way that we met? Or will he forget me too?
[ As confusing and sometimes troubling as it's been to gain memories, losing memories is far worse. Is it permanent? Are there hidden side-effects? Anya's concerns are legitimate, so he doesn't want to give her empty reassurances. But for now, he can offer her his hand; that, at least, is tangible. ]
He still remembers you now, right? Then I wouldn't worry. We don't need Retrospec to stay friends with Mikoto.
[ Anya's spent so much time with Mikoto outside of Retrospec. He and Yato have had enough stupid competitions over her attention. Surely, Mikoto wouldn't forget her... ]
Have a little faith in him. And if you're still worried, I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you visited every day.
Maybe I will start to visit every day. My teachers do not remember yet, but maybe Mikoto will. I cannot tell why people forget or remember. Tаинственный... It is still not clear.
What he does not know... I hope it is okay that he does not know.
Another girl stood in front of him, shielding him from the rain. An earnest promise. A naïve promise. He couldn't meet her eyes, and despite the rain soaking his tracksuit, he was flushed enough for a full fever. He wanted to believe. There was a pull in her words, yet he resisted. He forced himself to resist.
"I'll come see you every day... I won't forget."
He knew it to be a lie. They always forgot. In time, she would forget too.
Yato jerks, his focus returning to rest on Anya in front of him. For once, a hallucinomemory leaves him tangled. Have a little faith, he said. But in a flash, there it is: a tiny seed of doubt. ]
Uh... yeah. We'll just have to steer him on the right track. Whether he wants to be there or not...
[ if he sounds distracted it's because he sure is ]
Anya watches carefully, the way that Yato seems to space out for a moment. The jerk, the distracted answer, the way he hesitates - and she chooses to therefore ignore what comes out of his mouth.]
[ Why this, he just wanted to reassure her about Mikoto's memories and now he is personally less assured than ever?? He hesitates again, because he's never been much of a liar. Yet the truth is getting harder. He'll have to tell Anya sooner or later, but for some reason he wants to tell her the least.
Sometimes, distance is the best way to protect someone. But will she forget too? Will he forget? He can't explain the sudden anxiousness in his heart over a phenomenon he barely understands. ]
A... hallucinomemory. About memories...
[ THERE he said it. How much should he explain...? He isn't quite sure, so all Anya gets is vagueness. Really..... ]
[It's on purpose, she imagines. There are times when Yato will speak forever about something that she doesn't understand, so if he's keeping his words in his head...
Maybe normally she could accept this easily - it's okay if people don't trust her with everything. She knows that maybe people have their reasons for keeping secrets. But given Mikoto's forgetfulness and her own uncertainty about her place in his life, the reminder that there could be some distance between her and Yato growing too manages to make her frown.]
Oh... It is...
["- okay if you do not want to tell Anya" is what she wants to say? It's what she should say. That's part of her being understanding and she knows it. There's a certain thing that she's supposed to agree to when it comes to how people treat her.
But...]
... I hope it was not a bad one.
[She might selfishly cling to people a little bit too - even if she can't quite find the words to express the discomfort at the moment.]
... Is what he's expecting her to say. Like always. But she trails off, and that worries him. So it isn't okay anymore? Has something changed?
... Maybe nothing's needed to change. He's always leaned on her patience. Perhaps he's leaning too much. Even Anya gets anxious; no one likes being kept in the dark. As much as she's assured him that she doesn't need to know about the things he doesn't want to tell, it would be no surprise if she felt the secrets mounting between them.
It occurs to him as her expression shifts that he may have been thoughtless. ]
I don't know yet.
[ Maybe the girl remembered. Maybe she didn't. ]
It was about someone saying she would remember me. I guess I was a little... unmemorable.
... And for some reason it doesn't feel as good as she thought it would - maybe because it is a sad memory. And that's why her heart aches a little bit for him, why she frowns even more at the idea of Yato being unmemorable. This sort of empathy - is that why he didn't want to tell her? To keep the sad memories from her.
But even then, she's glad. Is it bad that she's glad? But she's glad that she gets to learn one more thing about Yato.
There's complicated emotions that she doesn't have the words for - bittersweet - so she instead turns to him and opens her arms for a hug if he wants one. Plus:]
.... Sorry. You should not have to tell Anya if you do not want. I did not mean to make you feel like you had to.
[But she did - and it feels like she guilted him into it? That's not what she wants. She never wants to make Yato sad.]
But... it is like дележ...? Um. ["Sharing" - but not quite.] To... not make Yato feel it by himself.
If it is a happy thing, Yato should have all of it. But if it is not a happy thing... Yato should not have to be alone to feel it. That is... what I thought but -
[She shakes her head.]
It is okay if you do not tell Anya - but please do not make sad faces and keep to yourself... Then I will be even more sad. I do not want Yato to feel lonely.
[ If there's one thing he'll never deny her, it's a hug. He envelops her in a gentle one, an unspoken apology. ]
There's nothing to be sorry for. You've never done anything to make me sad, Anya.
[ He wishes he could say the same for the reverse. He's made her worry. And she feels responsible for -- what? Wanting to understand? Being concerned about him? Her goodness is almost too much to bear.
His arms tighten around her, nearly lifting. Who is reassuring whom? ]
I'll never feel lonely as long as you're with me. So you don't have to worry... If things can stay this way, then I'll be happy.
[The hug is automatic. She latches onto him, clinging and letting her fingers curl into the material of his jacket because she doesn't want to let go. The lessening of physical distance helps, even if she still can't quite figure out how to surmount the secrecy between them.
But she told Yato that it didn't matter.
She told him that she would always want to know about him - but the thinks that he didn't want to tell her didn't matter.
(Maybe they matter more than she wants to admit.)]
Yato....
[There's an uncertain little noise as she buries her face in his shoulder, thinking her words over before she tries again, muffled faintly.]
Изменение.... I know that things are changing? Um... And people are remembering different things. Sometimes sad, scary things... and I am worried.
But - Anya will not change. Anya and Yato will not change. Even if there are different things... this will stay the same. [Her arms around him tighten, illustrating her point even as she feels a little embarrassed to admit - ] I will always be here... even if sometimes the not knowing is scary. It is silly... when the knowing might be even scarier? And it is not about Anya.
But... sometimes that is why I still want to ask or say. Even if it is неподходящий... ["inappropriate"] Not right?
[ Maybe he should listen to his own advice. Have a little faith. Anya is struggling in her own way to be the best kind of support she can be. If she says nothing will change, then he must believe her. To do otherwise would belittle her effort. ]
There's nothing wrong with asking. You're allowed to want to know, Anya. I'm sorry that I've made you think otherwise.
[ And he has no doubt that he has. He's been afraid. He isn't as brave as he is foolhardy; Anya is far braver, taking a leap of faith toward a dream that only a fraction's fraction of the world can achieve. Hiding parts of himself from her has been a soft form of cowardice.
He lets go of her, and when he draws back, he's smiling. Even if his life ends up taking a strange turn and this strange apprehension ends up founded, he can take comfort in knowing that Anya is doing her best for him. He has to do his best for her too. ]
[It's an odd question - one that she doesn't contemplate often. That might be evident based on her confusion and she wonders if Yato is just changing the subject....
Even if he is, she lets it happen.]
Mm... Maybe not.... "God"?
[Not one God. Learning about Russian Orthodox was scrapped after her father passed and there aren't enough shrines for Anya to properly understand Japanese forms of worship either. Still - ]
Still something... higher? Um. More.... божественный? [She clearly struggles with the word. It's "celestial, heavenly, divine" - somewhere thereabouts. But she frowns and tilts her head.] Above... Cannot be captured by words or on earth.
[ Those words immediately seem wrong, in the context of him. Even in his memories, when he was supposedly a full-blown god, those words don't seem right. ]
Me, I never really paid attention to stuff like that. It never seemed relevant. But according to what I've been seeing in my hallucinomemories, gods might exist right alongside us. Not everyone can see 'em. Or... [ He slots his last hallucinomemory into the puzzle. ] I guess no one can remember seeing them.
[Anya nods - and then pauses to consider. Gods might exist alongside us? She looks surprised at the thought, followed by some modicum of... excited?]
Ah? It is like a... story?
The stars tell stories like this - of gods? Demigods. Heroes. [Everything relates back to the stars with her, don't they. Still, she hums happily.] So it can be like those who belong to the stars are among us and I do not remember meeting them?
That is... фантастический? ["Fantastical."] Like the things that Baa-chan told Anya as a little girl. Yato says it might be true?
[ Just saying... He loves you but damn you nerdy. ]
But that's a nice way of putting it. Yeah, I guess that is what I'm saying. In my memories I claimed to be one -- a warrior god. Can't say yet if I did much fighting, though.
[There's just a little nose scrunch at being called a nerd - before her expression smooths out into a giggle. Okay. She can handle being called a nerd.
But then - it all sort of clicks? Oh. Yato might be a warrior god. For some reason that's not what she struggles with. It's coupled with the memories of him warning her that there might be things in his life that'll make it dangerous for her to be around, when she asked him to be her producer. It's coupled along with now, the idea that these gods could be forgotten -
And she's back to holding onto his hands, squeezing them with intent as she looks up at him.]
No fighting, please. Unless you have to.
[Followed by:] No forgetting either. Никогда. Never.
[ Her reaction was more serious than expected. Yato straightens, startled, and looks down at their hands. He can tell she believes his claim in full, however strange it sounds... and somehow, that's a relief. If she believes, then she won't forget. Surely...
And here's a confession: ]
I don't want to fight.
[ Really. Honestly. He's tired of that life. Violence doesn't end with one person, or wrap up neatly like the plot of a novel. It lurks. It follows. ]
But lately, I've been finding out that I'm pretty good with a sword. A real sword. It's... fun. It feels right.
[why do you ask her complicated questions, Yato - there's a moment where she frowns immediately and is quick to clarify:]
Hurting people is not good. It is never... um - идеальный? ["ideal"] It should not be... first choice. People who are doing safe things that do not bother others... they should not be hurt.
But Yato would not do that. Only if people are being very mean or doing something wrong. Sometimes... it will keep more people safe if the people who are hurting are stopped?
Cложный.... it is hard to say. Am I being clear...?
So he is allowed to hurt certain people for the greater good. Yato will lock away this blanket permission in his heart. ]
So what you're saying is... I should use my swordsmanship to fight wrongdoers?
[ LIKE A SUPERHERO. He honestly has never considered this option... Fighting in his world has always been a means of domination. But if he used his skills for good... It would be win-win, wouldn't it? Anya is a genius!!!!!!! ]
[greater good sure is a worrying concept in yato's hands
and yet she's smiling at his understanding beCAUSE YEAH SURE THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT SHE WAS GOING FOR.]
Mm! Yes! Yato will get to do what he likes - but only in a good way that is not hurting people who should not be hurt. Xорошо? That is a good thing, yes?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
... Lemme take a whack at 'im.
[ He gently unattaches Anya so he can head into the shop. From outside, the events appear like so... Yato makes a beeline for a square of wrapping paper, slaps it on the store counter, and begins to vigorously doodle on it with a marker. Mikoto and the paying customer on either side of him stare in the meantime, the former with a stare so flat that it threatens to pronounce Yato dead.
Eventually, Yato finishes his drawing and holds it up with a flourish. It's a stupidly detailed portrait of a horse, which he shoves in Mikoto's face with an unheard exclamation. Mikoto shakes his head, gives him a strange look, and in the end chases Yato off so that the customer can finish paying.
When Yato returns to Anya, it's with a puzzled frown. ]
Mmmmmm...? He seems like the same old Mikoto, except when it comes to horses.
[ And he'll take Anya's word about the app thing... He doesn't like it, but there's a simple if fantastical answer for this, isn't there? ]
We already knew people became aware of horses once they got signed up with Retrospec. I guess this means the reverse is true. Once Retrospec drops you, you forget about the weird stuff that's been happening.
no subject
Then she looks up at Yato when he comes back, her concern clear.]
I think so too... It happened before - one of the dance teachers does not remember anymore.
But I am worried... Bоспоминания... Playing with Mikoto's memories... but that is how he met Anya.
[She frowns, trying not to look as lonely as she feels.]
Does that mean he does not remember the right way that we met? Or will he forget me too?
no subject
He still remembers you now, right? Then I wouldn't worry. We don't need Retrospec to stay friends with Mikoto.
[ Anya's spent so much time with Mikoto outside of Retrospec. He and Yato have had enough stupid competitions over her attention. Surely, Mikoto wouldn't forget her... ]
Have a little faith in him. And if you're still worried, I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you visited every day.
no subject
Mm, that is true...
[Even though now - she worries.]
Maybe I will start to visit every day. My teachers do not remember yet, but maybe Mikoto will. I cannot tell why people forget or remember. Tаинственный... It is still not clear.
What he does not know... I hope it is okay that he does not know.
no subject
Anya stands in front of him, her hand in his.
Another girl stood in front of him, shielding him from the rain. An earnest promise. A naïve promise. He couldn't meet her eyes, and despite the rain soaking his tracksuit, he was flushed enough for a full fever. He wanted to believe. There was a pull in her words, yet he resisted. He forced himself to resist.
"I'll come see you every day... I won't forget."
He knew it to be a lie. They always forgot. In time, she would forget too.
Yato jerks, his focus returning to rest on Anya in front of him. For once, a hallucinomemory leaves him tangled. Have a little faith, he said. But in a flash, there it is: a tiny seed of doubt. ]
Uh... yeah. We'll just have to steer him on the right track. Whether he wants to be there or not...
[ if he sounds distracted it's because he sure is ]
no subject
Anya watches carefully, the way that Yato seems to space out for a moment. The jerk, the distracted answer, the way he hesitates - and she chooses to therefore ignore what comes out of his mouth.]
Yato?
Where did your thoughts go?
[Since they clearly weren't with her.]
no subject
Sometimes, distance is the best way to protect someone. But will she forget too? Will he forget? He can't explain the sudden anxiousness in his heart over a phenomenon he barely understands. ]
A... hallucinomemory. About memories...
[ THERE he said it. How much should he explain...? He isn't quite sure, so all Anya gets is vagueness. Really..... ]
no subject
Vague?
[It's on purpose, she imagines. There are times when Yato will speak forever about something that she doesn't understand, so if he's keeping his words in his head...
Maybe normally she could accept this easily - it's okay if people don't trust her with everything. She knows that maybe people have their reasons for keeping secrets. But given Mikoto's forgetfulness and her own uncertainty about her place in his life, the reminder that there could be some distance between her and Yato growing too manages to make her frown.]
Oh... It is...
["- okay if you do not want to tell Anya" is what she wants to say? It's what she should say. That's part of her being understanding and she knows it. There's a certain thing that she's supposed to agree to when it comes to how people treat her.
But...]
... I hope it was not a bad one.
[She might selfishly cling to people a little bit too - even if she can't quite find the words to express the discomfort at the moment.]
no subject
... Is what he's expecting her to say. Like always. But she trails off, and that worries him. So it isn't okay anymore? Has something changed?
... Maybe nothing's needed to change. He's always leaned on her patience. Perhaps he's leaning too much. Even Anya gets anxious; no one likes being kept in the dark. As much as she's assured him that she doesn't need to know about the things he doesn't want to tell, it would be no surprise if she felt the secrets mounting between them.
It occurs to him as her expression shifts that he may have been thoughtless. ]
I don't know yet.
[ Maybe the girl remembered. Maybe she didn't. ]
It was about someone saying she would remember me. I guess I was a little... unmemorable.
no subject
... And for some reason it doesn't feel as good as she thought it would - maybe because it is a sad memory. And that's why her heart aches a little bit for him, why she frowns even more at the idea of Yato being unmemorable. This sort of empathy - is that why he didn't want to tell her? To keep the sad memories from her.
But even then, she's glad. Is it bad that she's glad? But she's glad that she gets to learn one more thing about Yato.
There's complicated emotions that she doesn't have the words for - bittersweet - so she instead turns to him and opens her arms for a hug if he wants one. Plus:]
.... Sorry. You should not have to tell Anya if you do not want. I did not mean to make you feel like you had to.
[But she did - and it feels like she guilted him into it? That's not what she wants. She never wants to make Yato sad.]
But... it is like дележ...? Um. ["Sharing" - but not quite.] To... not make Yato feel it by himself.
If it is a happy thing, Yato should have all of it. But if it is not a happy thing... Yato should not have to be alone to feel it. That is... what I thought but -
[She shakes her head.]
It is okay if you do not tell Anya - but please do not make sad faces and keep to yourself... Then I will be even more sad. I do not want Yato to feel lonely.
no subject
There's nothing to be sorry for. You've never done anything to make me sad, Anya.
[ He wishes he could say the same for the reverse. He's made her worry. And she feels responsible for -- what? Wanting to understand? Being concerned about him? Her goodness is almost too much to bear.
His arms tighten around her, nearly lifting. Who is reassuring whom? ]
I'll never feel lonely as long as you're with me. So you don't have to worry... If things can stay this way, then I'll be happy.
no subject
But she told Yato that it didn't matter.
She told him that she would always want to know about him - but the thinks that he didn't want to tell her didn't matter.
(Maybe they matter more than she wants to admit.)]
Yato....
[There's an uncertain little noise as she buries her face in his shoulder, thinking her words over before she tries again, muffled faintly.]
Изменение.... I know that things are changing? Um... And people are remembering different things. Sometimes sad, scary things... and I am worried.
But - Anya will not change. Anya and Yato will not change. Even if there are different things... this will stay the same. [Her arms around him tighten, illustrating her point even as she feels a little embarrassed to admit - ] I will always be here... even if sometimes the not knowing is scary. It is silly... when the knowing might be even scarier? And it is not about Anya.
But... sometimes that is why I still want to ask or say. Even if it is неподходящий... ["inappropriate"] Not right?
no subject
There's nothing wrong with asking. You're allowed to want to know, Anya. I'm sorry that I've made you think otherwise.
[ And he has no doubt that he has. He's been afraid. He isn't as brave as he is foolhardy; Anya is far braver, taking a leap of faith toward a dream that only a fraction's fraction of the world can achieve. Hiding parts of himself from her has been a soft form of cowardice.
He lets go of her, and when he draws back, he's smiling. Even if his life ends up taking a strange turn and this strange apprehension ends up founded, he can take comfort in knowing that Anya is doing her best for him. He has to do his best for her too. ]
Do you believe in God, Anya?
no subject
Even if he is, she lets it happen.]
Mm... Maybe not.... "God"?
[Not one God. Learning about Russian Orthodox was scrapped after her father passed and there aren't enough shrines for Anya to properly understand Japanese forms of worship either. Still - ]
Still something... higher? Um. More.... божественный? [She clearly struggles with the word. It's "celestial, heavenly, divine" - somewhere thereabouts. But she frowns and tilts her head.] Above... Cannot be captured by words or on earth.
Like that?
no subject
[ Those words immediately seem wrong, in the context of him. Even in his memories, when he was supposedly a full-blown god, those words don't seem right. ]
Me, I never really paid attention to stuff like that. It never seemed relevant. But according to what I've been seeing in my hallucinomemories, gods might exist right alongside us. Not everyone can see 'em. Or... [ He slots his last hallucinomemory into the puzzle. ] I guess no one can remember seeing them.
no subject
Ah? It is like a... story?
The stars tell stories like this - of gods? Demigods. Heroes. [Everything relates back to the stars with her, don't they. Still, she hums happily.] So it can be like those who belong to the stars are among us and I do not remember meeting them?
That is... фантастический? ["Fantastical."] Like the things that Baa-chan told Anya as a little girl. Yato says it might be true?
no subject
You really are a nerd when it comes to stars.
[ Just saying... He loves you but damn you nerdy. ]
But that's a nice way of putting it. Yeah, I guess that is what I'm saying. In my memories I claimed to be one -- a warrior god. Can't say yet if I did much fighting, though.
no subject
But then - it all sort of clicks? Oh. Yato might be a warrior god. For some reason that's not what she struggles with. It's coupled with the memories of him warning her that there might be things in his life that'll make it dangerous for her to be around, when she asked him to be her producer. It's coupled along with now, the idea that these gods could be forgotten -
And she's back to holding onto his hands, squeezing them with intent as she looks up at him.]
No fighting, please. Unless you have to.
[Followed by:] No forgetting either. Никогда. Never.
no subject
[ Her reaction was more serious than expected. Yato straightens, startled, and looks down at their hands. He can tell she believes his claim in full, however strange it sounds... and somehow, that's a relief. If she believes, then she won't forget. Surely...
And here's a confession: ]
I don't want to fight.
[ Really. Honestly. He's tired of that life. Violence doesn't end with one person, or wrap up neatly like the plot of a novel. It lurks. It follows. ]
But lately, I've been finding out that I'm pretty good with a sword. A real sword. It's... fun. It feels right.
no subject
Especially when it gets to this part about swords and she just kind of. Giggles??? Anya, what the fuck.]
Oh! Завистливый... You will make Yamato jealous.
[THIS IS NOT KENDO, ANYA.]
But if it is what feels right and Yato is not hurting anyone that does not deserve to be hurt, is it bad?
[why]
no subject
Anya thinks there are people who deserve to be hurt??
no subject
Hurting people is not good. It is never... um - идеальный? ["ideal"] It should not be... first choice. People who are doing safe things that do not bother others... they should not be hurt.
But Yato would not do that. Only if people are being very mean or doing something wrong. Sometimes... it will keep more people safe if the people who are hurting are stopped?
Cложный.... it is hard to say. Am I being clear...?
no subject
So he is allowed to hurt certain people for the greater good. Yato will lock away this blanket permission in his heart. ]
So what you're saying is... I should use my swordsmanship to fight wrongdoers?
[ LIKE A SUPERHERO. He honestly has never considered this option... Fighting in his world has always been a means of domination. But if he used his skills for good... It would be win-win, wouldn't it? Anya is a genius!!!!!!! ]
no subject
and yet she's smiling at his understanding beCAUSE YEAH SURE THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT SHE WAS GOING FOR.]
Mm! Yes! Yato will get to do what he likes - but only in a good way that is not hurting people who should not be hurt. Xорошо? That is a good thing, yes?