[It's not like Anya is against learning new words or remembering old ones that she lost - but something about hearing it said so plainly manages to make her wince. Right. That's what happened to them. All of them.]
[ It manages to be. Expressly going against Anya's wishes when she's confided this much in him would be a breach of her trust. No amount of pain he could cause to her captor would outweigh the pain he'd be causing her.
It doesn't mean he'll be at peace with the idea. But at least her request keeps him rooted here, frowning at the foot of her bed. ]
[ Yato will let her cling to him all day honestly...
Some tension drains out of him at her confirmation, but some remains at knowing that this is a "he". He releases her from his hold, only to take her hand and grip it hard. ]
Don't blame yourself for anything. None of this happened because you weren't strong enough. You're a capable person! This happened because someone else was determined to do something wrong.
[ He can understand where her question is coming from. Really, he can. But it's not fair for Anya to hold herself responsible. He pauses, thinking, and holds her gaze insistently. ]
Were the other people with you weak for getting hurt?
[It's immediate, of course they weren't. But then a second later his argument dawns on her. Right. She's not weak for getting hurt. It's not her fault, because it can't be, if the other people aren't at fault.
So she falters openly.
The frustration bleeds through.]
.... then... why...?
[Why did this happen? Why couldn't any of them get out for so long? Why did so many people have to be hurt?
It's not something she can expect Yato to answer but her calm is cracking.]
[ Why are people cruel without cause? He eases his grip on her hand, his eyes softening. ]
I don't know, Anya. It's okay not to know. It's okay to be angry... and upset... and sad. It's okay to be as loud as you want, or cry as long as you want. Sometimes it's all you can do.
[the tears well up in her eyes as she realizes that she wasn't able to do anything and it's not her fault - it was just a bad thing that happened. not just to her, but to others. she falters before letting her face fall against his chest if only so he doesn't have to see her cry
she's been crying so much these past few months
it doesn't feel like her
she still fights to keep the tears at bay, even though some fall without her permission]
Hе могу...
["Cannot" - ]
Yato....
[Some part of her still wants to be stronger than this, even if she's too upset to reach for the words or know if they'll even make it past her throat.]
[ He envelops her in a hug once more and tucks her head under his chin. He'll hold her for as long as she needs to be held -- to let her know she doesn't have to say anything more until she's ready. To help her feel safe.
For Anya, who has been largely fortunate in life, an ordered life, often surrounded by kindness in return for the kindness she offers unsolicited, the senseless cruelty must seem incomprehensible. That the world can be so unfair, that you can be inadequate in the face a trial set before you, that your friends can suffer around you or even die at any moment. It's all more than someone as bright and trusting as Anya should have to deal with.
He wasn't there for her when he needed to be, and he'll deal with that certain knowledge in his own time. For now, even if he doesn't have the answers she's looking for, he can at least be here. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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... I do not want you to.... пожалуйста.
Please.
[And she hopes that's reason enough.]
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It doesn't mean he'll be at peace with the idea. But at least her request keeps him rooted here, frowning at the foot of her bed. ]
Have the cops arrested this person?
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She relaxes at that, even if her hold on him doesn't. Look, she's going to be attached until he flings her off at this point.]
Да.... Yes. Other people fought him so that he could not hurt anyone else.
[ . . . which she still feels bad for. To some degree, she can't help the frustration.]
Mm. I think I need to be stronger still...
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Some tension drains out of him at her confirmation, but some remains at knowing that this is a "he". He releases her from his hold, only to take her hand and grip it hard. ]
Don't blame yourself for anything. None of this happened because you weren't strong enough. You're a capable person! This happened because someone else was determined to do something wrong.
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... but if I am strong, why could I do nothing?
[why was it that, even though she'd refused to give up hope the entire time, she still had to wait for someone else to save her?
why was she still hoping for yato to show up when she couldn't do anything on her own?]
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Were the other people with you weak for getting hurt?
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[It's immediate, of course they weren't. But then a second later his argument dawns on her. Right. She's not weak for getting hurt. It's not her fault, because it can't be, if the other people aren't at fault.
So she falters openly.
The frustration bleeds through.]
.... then... why...?
[Why did this happen? Why couldn't any of them get out for so long? Why did so many people have to be hurt?
It's not something she can expect Yato to answer but her calm is cracking.]
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I don't know, Anya. It's okay not to know. It's okay to be angry... and upset... and sad. It's okay to be as loud as you want, or cry as long as you want. Sometimes it's all you can do.
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[the tears well up in her eyes as she realizes that she wasn't able to do anything and it's not her fault - it was just a bad thing that happened. not just to her, but to others. she falters before letting her face fall against his chest if only so he doesn't have to see her cry
she's been crying so much these past few months
it doesn't feel like her
she still fights to keep the tears at bay, even though some fall without her permission]
Hе могу...
["Cannot" - ]
Yato....
[Some part of her still wants to be stronger than this, even if she's too upset to reach for the words or know if they'll even make it past her throat.]
no subject
[ He envelops her in a hug once more and tucks her head under his chin. He'll hold her for as long as she needs to be held -- to let her know she doesn't have to say anything more until she's ready. To help her feel safe.
For Anya, who has been largely fortunate in life, an ordered life, often surrounded by kindness in return for the kindness she offers unsolicited, the senseless cruelty must seem incomprehensible. That the world can be so unfair, that you can be inadequate in the face a trial set before you, that your friends can suffer around you or even die at any moment. It's all more than someone as bright and trusting as Anya should have to deal with.
He wasn't there for her when he needed to be, and he'll deal with that certain knowledge in his own time. For now, even if he doesn't have the answers she's looking for, he can at least be here. ]