[She is indeed still intact. The hug makes her wince a little bit - she didn't get treated as badly as the others in the warehouse (so she didn't get super stabbed and tortured?) - but she enured a bit. There are likely marks around her wrists and ankles from where they'd been bound with duct tape and she'd struggled but.
For now she'll take the security of Yato's arms and cling on.]
What're you apologizing for? If it was an accident...
[ He feels her wince, so he loosens up a bit. It isn't like her to be this down about anything, even a broken bone. The story behind the injury must be something special.
He continues to hold her with one arm as he settles more comfortably on the bed, which is when he sees the strange marking on her free ankle. He stares, a hundred questions running through his mind, but clamps down on his alarm, if only for Anya's sake.
It's starkly obvious that her details are not really details. ]
[She shifts as much as she can to give Yato more room on the bed, while also sticking as close as she can. There's a moment where she presses her face against him because no, she doesn't really want to talk about it. Or maybe she doesn't know how.]
[ He kicks off the flip-flops he jammed on in a hurry and draws his legs up to sit more comfortably so Anya can be more comfortable too. Automatically, his mind entertains the worst again at Anya's guess that he'll get angry. The thought of people doing things to her that would make him mad is already making him a little pre-mad. But he'll (try to) behave so she doesn't have to worry, and he raises his free hand in a solemn swear. ]
I promise I'll keep it together.
[ He likes to set the bar real low like that.
Sometimes it's hard to spill a story all at once, so maybe it will help if he pulls the details out of her bit by bit. ]
But once upon a time, Yato said that he'd tell Anya everything because he trusted her and she would accept everything that came with it. Maybe it's time for Anya to share a little bit of the same, even as difficult as it is. She doesn't know how to explain it to her mother, doesn't want to explain it to the police.... but for Yato, she can try.
To Yato, "Do you promise not to hurt this person?" implies strongly that someone needs to be hurt. On some level, even Anya might acknowledge that this person deserves to be hurt, specifically by Yato. Being sworn off hurting this person before the magnitude of their transgression can be revealed is a high risk gamble indeed when this individual might range anywhere from technically harmless Jaden Smith to actually awful Adolf Hitler.
But no. Keep it together, Yato. He can crawl over this incredibly low, practically subterranean bar if he tries. ]
Anya can recognize that this person deserves to be hurt - that he had to be hurt in the first place so that the horrible things couldn't continue on. Is that... enough? She's not in a place where she can make that kind of decision, doesn't want to in the first place. So she clings on a little tighter for a moment as she pushes through the memories of the warehouse.]
... похищенный. He kidnapped people. Ah... When Anya was alone. I was surprised so I couldn't...
[Figure out a way to fight it off. Everyone had been teaching her so much and it still wasn't enough.
She trails off, if only because she's not sure how much Yato will react to that already.]
To his credit, Yato doesn't react much at all other than to absently rest his cheek on her head when her cling tightens. As enraging as this first detail already is, he is ready for more before he has fully formed feelings about it, like a quiet sponge of anger biding its time. After a brief moment of silence, he is perhaps suspiciously still and collected in tone. ]
Regardless Anya is quieter now as she realizes she doesn't have the answers herself. Not completely.]
.... I do not know.
[Was there a reason behind all of it?]
Причинить боль.... People were getting hurt. Injured. Stabbed. Bruised. In pain....
[The words she knows for that type of hurt - though she curls up automatically into Yato again as she trails off. If she says that it's about other people, maybe he'll forget that she went through the same thing? It's a childish omission, but she still doesn't think that this is about her.]
[ And just like that, this quiet sponge of anger has been dunked into the ocean...
Other people getting hurt doesn't make Yato any less livid. In a way, it might be worse that Anya wasn't a unique target. Just one in a crowd, non-essential, like meat to be processed. Pointless.
The marks on Anya and the cast on her leg take a different life then. Not signs of an accident. Malicious intent toward Anya, deliberate pain inflicted on Anya. Did she even have a chance to defend herself? Did she have to watch? Was it slow, fast? How long was she made to suffer?
Are there wounds he can't see?
His free hand makes a fist into the fabric of his shorts. His voice is still deceptively calm, but now it's measured with effort. ]
[It's not like Anya is against learning new words or remembering old ones that she lost - but something about hearing it said so plainly manages to make her wince. Right. That's what happened to them. All of them.]
[ It manages to be. Expressly going against Anya's wishes when she's confided this much in him would be a breach of her trust. No amount of pain he could cause to her captor would outweigh the pain he'd be causing her.
It doesn't mean he'll be at peace with the idea. But at least her request keeps him rooted here, frowning at the foot of her bed. ]
[ Yato will let her cling to him all day honestly...
Some tension drains out of him at her confirmation, but some remains at knowing that this is a "he". He releases her from his hold, only to take her hand and grip it hard. ]
Don't blame yourself for anything. None of this happened because you weren't strong enough. You're a capable person! This happened because someone else was determined to do something wrong.
[ He can understand where her question is coming from. Really, he can. But it's not fair for Anya to hold herself responsible. He pauses, thinking, and holds her gaze insistently. ]
Were the other people with you weak for getting hurt?
[It's immediate, of course they weren't. But then a second later his argument dawns on her. Right. She's not weak for getting hurt. It's not her fault, because it can't be, if the other people aren't at fault.
So she falters openly.
The frustration bleeds through.]
.... then... why...?
[Why did this happen? Why couldn't any of them get out for so long? Why did so many people have to be hurt?
It's not something she can expect Yato to answer but her calm is cracking.]
[ Why are people cruel without cause? He eases his grip on her hand, his eyes softening. ]
I don't know, Anya. It's okay not to know. It's okay to be angry... and upset... and sad. It's okay to be as loud as you want, or cry as long as you want. Sometimes it's all you can do.
[the tears well up in her eyes as she realizes that she wasn't able to do anything and it's not her fault - it was just a bad thing that happened. not just to her, but to others. she falters before letting her face fall against his chest if only so he doesn't have to see her cry
she's been crying so much these past few months
it doesn't feel like her
she still fights to keep the tears at bay, even though some fall without her permission]
Hе могу...
["Cannot" - ]
Yato....
[Some part of her still wants to be stronger than this, even if she's too upset to reach for the words or know if they'll even make it past her throat.]
[ He envelops her in a hug once more and tucks her head under his chin. He'll hold her for as long as she needs to be held -- to let her know she doesn't have to say anything more until she's ready. To help her feel safe.
For Anya, who has been largely fortunate in life, an ordered life, often surrounded by kindness in return for the kindness she offers unsolicited, the senseless cruelty must seem incomprehensible. That the world can be so unfair, that you can be inadequate in the face a trial set before you, that your friends can suffer around you or even die at any moment. It's all more than someone as bright and trusting as Anya should have to deal with.
He wasn't there for her when he needed to be, and he'll deal with that certain knowledge in his own time. For now, even if he doesn't have the answers she's looking for, he can at least be here. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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For now she'll take the security of Yato's arms and cling on.]
.... беда.
Anya... got in trouble. On accident.
Sorry.
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[ He feels her wince, so he loosens up a bit. It isn't like her to be this down about anything, even a broken bone. The story behind the injury must be something special.
He continues to hold her with one arm as he settles more comfortably on the bed, which is when he sees the strange marking on her free ankle. He stares, a hundred questions running through his mind, but clamps down on his alarm, if only for Anya's sake.
It's starkly obvious that her details are not really details. ]
Do... you wanna talk about it?
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... неуверенный.
I do not know if I do or do not.
It might make Yato angry.
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I promise I'll keep it together.
[ He likes to set the bar real low like that.
Sometimes it's hard to spill a story all at once, so maybe it will help if he pulls the details out of her bit by bit. ]
Was there someone else involved?
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Really, really low.
But once upon a time, Yato said that he'd tell Anya everything because he trusted her and she would accept everything that came with it. Maybe it's time for Anya to share a little bit of the same, even as difficult as it is. She doesn't know how to explain it to her mother, doesn't want to explain it to the police.... but for Yato, she can try.
Slowly.
So there's a little nod.]
... Да.
[ . . . ]
Do you promise not to hurt this person?
no subject
the struggle begins immediately.
To Yato, "Do you promise not to hurt this person?" implies strongly that someone needs to be hurt. On some level, even Anya might acknowledge that this person deserves to be hurt, specifically by Yato. Being sworn off hurting this person before the magnitude of their transgression can be revealed is a high risk gamble indeed when this individual might range anywhere from technically harmless Jaden Smith to actually awful Adolf Hitler.
But no. Keep it together, Yato. He can crawl over this incredibly low, practically subterranean bar if he tries. ]
I... I promise.
no subject
Anya can recognize that this person deserves to be hurt - that he had to be hurt in the first place so that the horrible things couldn't continue on. Is that... enough? She's not in a place where she can make that kind of decision, doesn't want to in the first place. So she clings on a little tighter for a moment as she pushes through the memories of the warehouse.]
... похищенный. He kidnapped people. Ah... When Anya was alone. I was surprised so I couldn't...
[Figure out a way to fight it off. Everyone had been teaching her so much and it still wasn't enough.
She trails off, if only because she's not sure how much Yato will react to that already.]
no subject
k i d n a p
k n
i a
d p
To his credit, Yato doesn't react much at all other than to absently rest his cheek on her head when her cling tightens. As enraging as this first detail already is, he is ready for more before he has fully formed feelings about it, like a quiet sponge of anger biding its time. After a brief moment of silence, he is perhaps suspiciously still and collected in tone. ]
I see. And why was he kidnapping people?
no subject
Regardless Anya is quieter now as she realizes she doesn't have the answers herself. Not completely.]
.... I do not know.
[Was there a reason behind all of it?]
Причинить боль.... People were getting hurt. Injured. Stabbed. Bruised. In pain....
[The words she knows for that type of hurt - though she curls up automatically into Yato again as she trails off. If she says that it's about other people, maybe he'll forget that she went through the same thing? It's a childish omission, but she still doesn't think that this is about her.]
no subject
[ And just like that, this quiet sponge of anger has been dunked into the ocean...
Other people getting hurt doesn't make Yato any less livid. In a way, it might be worse that Anya wasn't a unique target. Just one in a crowd, non-essential, like meat to be processed. Pointless.
The marks on Anya and the cast on her leg take a different life then. Not signs of an accident. Malicious intent toward Anya, deliberate pain inflicted on Anya. Did she even have a chance to defend herself? Did she have to watch? Was it slow, fast? How long was she made to suffer?
Are there wounds he can't see?
His free hand makes a fist into the fabric of his shorts. His voice is still deceptively calm, but now it's measured with effort. ]
Why shouldn't I be hurting this person?
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... I do not want you to.... пожалуйста.
Please.
[And she hopes that's reason enough.]
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It doesn't mean he'll be at peace with the idea. But at least her request keeps him rooted here, frowning at the foot of her bed. ]
Have the cops arrested this person?
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She relaxes at that, even if her hold on him doesn't. Look, she's going to be attached until he flings her off at this point.]
Да.... Yes. Other people fought him so that he could not hurt anyone else.
[ . . . which she still feels bad for. To some degree, she can't help the frustration.]
Mm. I think I need to be stronger still...
no subject
Some tension drains out of him at her confirmation, but some remains at knowing that this is a "he". He releases her from his hold, only to take her hand and grip it hard. ]
Don't blame yourself for anything. None of this happened because you weren't strong enough. You're a capable person! This happened because someone else was determined to do something wrong.
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... but if I am strong, why could I do nothing?
[why was it that, even though she'd refused to give up hope the entire time, she still had to wait for someone else to save her?
why was she still hoping for yato to show up when she couldn't do anything on her own?]
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Were the other people with you weak for getting hurt?
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[It's immediate, of course they weren't. But then a second later his argument dawns on her. Right. She's not weak for getting hurt. It's not her fault, because it can't be, if the other people aren't at fault.
So she falters openly.
The frustration bleeds through.]
.... then... why...?
[Why did this happen? Why couldn't any of them get out for so long? Why did so many people have to be hurt?
It's not something she can expect Yato to answer but her calm is cracking.]
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I don't know, Anya. It's okay not to know. It's okay to be angry... and upset... and sad. It's okay to be as loud as you want, or cry as long as you want. Sometimes it's all you can do.
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[the tears well up in her eyes as she realizes that she wasn't able to do anything and it's not her fault - it was just a bad thing that happened. not just to her, but to others. she falters before letting her face fall against his chest if only so he doesn't have to see her cry
she's been crying so much these past few months
it doesn't feel like her
she still fights to keep the tears at bay, even though some fall without her permission]
Hе могу...
["Cannot" - ]
Yato....
[Some part of her still wants to be stronger than this, even if she's too upset to reach for the words or know if they'll even make it past her throat.]
no subject
[ He envelops her in a hug once more and tucks her head under his chin. He'll hold her for as long as she needs to be held -- to let her know she doesn't have to say anything more until she's ready. To help her feel safe.
For Anya, who has been largely fortunate in life, an ordered life, often surrounded by kindness in return for the kindness she offers unsolicited, the senseless cruelty must seem incomprehensible. That the world can be so unfair, that you can be inadequate in the face a trial set before you, that your friends can suffer around you or even die at any moment. It's all more than someone as bright and trusting as Anya should have to deal with.
He wasn't there for her when he needed to be, and he'll deal with that certain knowledge in his own time. For now, even if he doesn't have the answers she's looking for, he can at least be here. ]